Some Days

Some days are good days.

Some days are bad days.

Some days I really feel like I got this!

Other days, I don’t have a clue!

Some days I think Ruby has good control of her bowels and only has accidents because she’s too busy playing. Some days I wonder if she has a retained bladder emptying reflex.

Some days I’m sure she puts on two skirts and no shirt to be goofy and get a laugh. Some days I think she just doesn’t get it.

Some days I’m really patient and feel like God gave her to the perfect parent to see her through all of this. Some days…. I just want to ring her little neck!

Some days I get so frustrated, I have to turn around and walk away to keep from calling her names and hurting her. Some days I am full of compassion and love.

Some days…. I wish God had given her to someone else. Some days I am so thankful to have her and cry at the thought that there was a real possibility that she could have died.

Some days I go to bed in peace, with a smile on my face. Some days I stay awake crying most of the night.

Some days I feel like life just happened and she is the way she is because of a perfect storm of events that no one could have predicted. AFterall, I was completely ignorant of health, nutrition, and gut health until she was six months old.

But some days I feel like it’s all my fault.

Some days I feel like she deserves better. More patience, more love, more understanding, more attention, more therapy, more food, more activities, more baths, more singing, more dancing. Better meals, better toys, better friends,  a better room, a better bed, a better house…. a better mom.

Some days I’m so done with it all I put her in bed without brushing her teeth because I can’t bear another fight. Some days I brush her teeth extra well, floss, and brush her hair (it’s so thin and short that brushing it does nothing but stimulate her scalp. Most of the time you can’t tell whether or not it is brushed at all).

Some days I lay down with her and give her extra hugs, kisses, and snuggles. Some days I can’t wait to get out of her room and get a break.

Some days I think we’ll be okay- she’ll be okay- life will be normal, some day. Some days I feel like I’m doomed to be forever caring for a delayed child that will never live a normal life.

Some days I’m okay with that idea. Some days I ache with grief and mourn for her from a place so deep inside me that I didn’t even know it existed.

Some days the good outweighs the bad. Some days that bad outweighs the good.

Some days I  feel like we will never have the answer to heal her completely. Some days I think that there will be an answer some day.

Some days are filled with hope. Some days are consumed in hopelessness.

Some days I miss the child I feel like I may never really know.

Some days I really look forward to THAT someday when the trumpet blows and we are caught up to meet Jesus in the air, and all this will be over.

Every day I am able to find adequate comfort in the knowledge that when we all get to heaven and she has a glorified body, that I will be able to meet her and know who she really is for the first time. I know that someday she will no longer be a captive of her sick body. Some day she will be able to communicate clearly and easily. Some day she will be able to interact normally with others. Some day I will really know my daughter and enjoy her like she was intended to be enjoyed. 

Some day….

Some day….


Getting Ready for GAPS

I have decided to begin GAPS again. (Click here to learn about GAPS)

GAPS is a gut-healing diet. It is heavy in fermented foods and is grain-free, chemical-free, and sugar-free. It heals the gut by populating it with beneficial bacteria, eliminating foods that cause inflammation and allergies (such as grains and soy) and detoxing the body by eliminating toxic chemicals and supporting the body as it rids itself of the chemicals.

(NOTE: GAPS is not a one-size-fits-all diet. It is generally good for healing gut issues. However, if the patient has deeper issues (which may be revealed by going on GAPS-such as inability to break down oxalates or issues with sulfur- this may not be the right method of healing or it may need to be modified)

I originally went on this diet with my two daughters, Ruby and Loretta, back in 2012. We saw enormous improvement in all three of us! However, life happened and we got away from it.

I want to go back on it because my skin isn’t as clear. I have a large patch of breakouts on the side of my leg. It has been there for a very long time and I am sick of it. I have little energy and don’t feel nearly as good as I did while on it. Although Ruby has made great progress with Functional Neurology, we still have quite a ways a to go. She also is becoming increasingly more sensitive to wheat and corn. I can tell we are heading in the wrong direction there. Dr Kemp, her functional neurologist, said that of the children he has treated  successfully with autism, they all lost their food allergies. This is very exciting! However, I feel it will take time for her brain to heal up to where it needs to be. So until her brain function is optimal and can send clear signals to the gut to digest properly, I feel like I need to be careful what I give her. Moreover, it takes good nutrition for the body to repair, grow, and regrow tissues and connections.

I plan to begin GAPS in January. Right now I am preparing myself.

  1. Reading the book again
  2. mentally preparing myself – if I was at this party while on GAPS, this is what I would eat, cook, do
  3. buying pickle-pro fermenting lids for my kraut


The Book


The book is essential! YOu cannot do GAPS ( I don’t think) without the book. It explains many of the misconceptions that our society has about health and diet. Arming yourself with knowledge will help you make educated decisions about what to eat. It will also help you to better explain those decisions to the people who will think you’re a pycho. (Trust me, there will be MANY people who will think you’re a physco. But the cool thing is that those same people will come to you for help later when they see that it works!)

The book cannot be bought in stores in the USA (yet). So you must order it from the internet. Here’s the link to buy it from Amazon.



Mental Preparation

GAPS can be hard at times. It’s a very different lifestyle that the vast majority of our society. It can make social gatherings difficult, interesting, and sometimes embarrassing. Go ahead and mentally prepare yourself for this! While eating Thanksgiving Dinner with your SAD (Standard American Diet) family and friends, think about ways you can do this next year on GAPS. What will you do at the Birthday party? Vacations? Etc?

Being mentally prepared to handle these situations will go a long way in your ability to cope and be successful on GAPS. You don’t want to be miserable and you don’t have to be! Just prepare and adjust your expectations accordingly.




GAPS is heavy on ferments. You must eat fermented foods. Lots of it! This can be very expensive. It is best to make your own! The intro portion of GAPS encourages drinking juice from Sauerkraut (stage 3) and then eating it (stage 4 or 5). There are ways you can make it yourself without a fermenting lid, but it’s annoying. You have to baby sit it. With three kids, I don’t have time for that foolishness! This time I’m buying the lids and doing it right!

I found the lids on Ebay for a very good price! $15 for 3 lids! (See above for the link). I plan to start fermenting as soon as they come in so that it’s ready by the time I begin GAPS.




My mom and my friend are thinking of doing of going on GAPS with me. It’s very exciting to potentially do this with others!


Last night was a special night.

Like many nights of the week, my husband, Michael, plays with the girls while I take a bit of a break. After bathing Josiah, I came into the living room to this:


Many are the times they have played “Hide-and-Seek.” But usually it’s just my husband and Loretta playing. He tries very hard to get Ruby involved but it would never hold her attention for more than half a round.

It would be her and Michael’s turn to seek, but she would never look for Loretta. Even when Loretta was in plain sight and Michael was telling her where to look and directing her there, Ruby would wonder around the room and forget what she was supposed to do. When she did “find” Loretta (and by “find” I mean Loretta would jump out and say, “Here I am, Ruby!”), Ruby would stare blankly at her as though she was unaware of what just happened.

Counting was a diaster as well. She had no concept of it. Recently she would repeat “1,2,3!” But it had no meaning to her. She didn’t know all the numbers in order last night, but when I walked in and snapped this picture, she was counting. Michael helped with the order of the numbers, but Ruby understood to hide her face and count!

Then she searched for Loretta! Actually looked for her!

What a breakthrough! And the miracle hasn’t stopped yet!

Functional Neurology: An Amazing Breakthrough Part 2

My newborn son, Josiah, has an amazing name! My husband picked his name out when we were just teenagers. All this time, I knew that he wanted to name his first son Josiah Michael.  The name inspired him because Josiah was the child-king of Judah. For many, many years, the nation of Judah had fallen into idolatry. It was during the midst of this dark time that Josiah became king. At the age of eight years old, immediately upon becoming king, he turned the nation back to God. Such an incredible story! No matter your age, you have a purpose! 

Josiah Michael

My pregnancy with him was healthy, but very difficult emotionally. There was much emotional damage from Ruby. I was terrified to have another baby. I was wounded from past hurts. I was scared the next baby would be even more sick than Ruby. But God is good, even when circumstances aren’t! He knows what is best for us and has promised that he will turn out messed up past situations into something that ultimately will be for our good. The last few weeks of my pregnancy, Michael and I were discussing all the amazing things that had happened. So much healing! Restoration! It was truly a work that only God could perform.

I had often thought it would be amazing to name our baby a name that would reflect the healing and restoration we experienced. I had not discussed this with Michael, but secretly I had researched other names. Unfortunately, I came up with nothing. Nothing for boy names or girl names (Josiah’s gender was a surprise. We did not know until his birth whether he was a boy or girl).

While we were deep into our discussion, my husband said he had searched for different names to mean “healing” but found nothing. I was shocked that we both were thinking the same thing!

Josiah was born and he was perfect! He was my biggest baby! 7 pounds and 14 ounces. Healthy. Excellent suck and nursed first try! He had a lip tie that was a bit restrictive and a posterior tongue-tie but the tongue was very functional! I was stunned! It is very common that with each child, midline defects get worse- not better.

When he was a few days old, I was teasing Michael about how he chooses names versus how I choose names. (He bases his decisions mainly on how it sounds, whereas I’m all about meanings). I asked him if he even knew what “Josiah” meant. He didn’t (surprise, surprise) so he looked it up.

In Hebrew, it means “Jehovah has healed.” 

Amazing! Just amazing!

But the healing continues, God is not done yet!

Josiah later developed a nursing problem. He would lose suction and smack. It’s really annoying and interferes with letdowns and supply. We tried body work and chiropractic care. And it got worse. This was indicative of a structural problem. Meaning the tongue tie was restricting the proper movement of the mouth, tongue, jaw, etc. We made the difficult decision of having his tongue-tie revised via laser.

While there for a follow-up visit, Dr. Myers brought up the fact that Josiah had no sucking reflex and an over-active gag reflex. I had noticed these things before but thought little of it. He suggested that I see Dr. David Kemp if I was concerned. He is a chiropractic Neurologist and could help us. I called and scheduled an appointment. The appointment was last Wednesday (October 9, 2013) and I had to take Ruby with me.

Dr Kemp is amazing. I was blown away! Not only was he knowledgable about tongue-ties, but he knew what the GAPS diet was! The first provider I have been to in Jacksonville who knew what it was! I explained the issues. He showed me some exercises to do on Joey and we saw results right there about how he lifted his head. Then Dr. Kemp got a hold of Ruby and the magic happened!!!!

He full recognized her issues. Dopey, unresponsive to stimuli, unaware of her surroundings, clumsy. He then brought more to my attention. I always thought Ruby’s eyes didn’t look quite right, but never noticed that one pupil was dilated. He examined her and found out she has absolutely no reflexes. She couldn’t properly follow a pattern with her eyes.

He showed me exercises to do on her. We did them once in his office. He rechecked her eyes and they had already corrected! Her eyes then followed the pattern properly! I was in tears when I left! I had hope!

That was at 10am. At around 2:30pm I laid both Loretta and Ruby down for a nap. Ruby began to protest laying down (which is nothing new). Usually she communicates using only one or two words or by pointing. We have been working with her on this for months in speech therapy!

Today, it was very different!

“Mommy, I need to go Tee-tee!”

My mom looked at me. I looked at my mom. Our mouths fell open.

She just used an entire sentence!


Ruby’s speech continued to improve throughout the day. The next morning, I was pumping while she was playing with some animal cards on the floor. She started bringing them to me one-by-one, telling me the names of each one, AND telling me the correct sounds.

She would pay attention and look at me while I was talking to her.

She put on her underwear by herself! Without it being turned backwards or both legs in one hole.

Ruby and Loretta at Memorial ParkFriday we went to Memorial Park. She and Loretta were running around. Usually when Ruby runs she has both hands stretched out behind her. And she then falls. Today, she was alternating the movement of her arms to correspond to the movements of her legs. And not falling!

We walked out of church Sunday night. “Mommy! Look! The Sun!” It was actually the moon. But she had never taken notice of her surroundings or pointed out either sun or moon before! She saw the sun in pictures and we would tell her that is was the sun. But she had the revelation that what she saw in the pictures was actually real and in the sky. Her sky. In her world!

Even her Sunday School teacher came to me that even and remarked about how different she was in class.

This morning, Ruby sat in my lap and actually let me read a book to her. No fighting. No begging her to stay in my lap. No making her finish the book against her will. We just read it. And  enjoyed the story together.

Today she had speech therapy. The therapist was amazed! She plans to take her own daughter to see Dr. Kemp (her daughter has similar issues to Ruby, but not as severe. She also has a tongue-tie). The therapist called me after the appointment was over to talk more about it- Astounded that she now could offer hope to desperate parents that don’t know what else to do for their children. The same hope that I have!

When Josiah was born I was a bit disappointed he had a tongue-tie (although I was thrilled it was functional and we were able to nurse without pain). I questioned why the healing would not be 100%. But now I’m glad he had the tie. Without the tongue-tie presenting issues, Dr Myers would never have referred us to Dr. Kemp.

Josiah’s presence in my womb forced me to seek God’s healing on issues I had buried in the bottom of the closet. God used him to heal me and my family emotionally. Now he has also used him to bring about the answer to healing Ruby.

Truly, Jehovah has healed and he has a purpose for him even at this young age.


For more information about functional neurology and Dr Kemp, please visit his website.

Functional Neurology: An Amazing Breakthrough! Part 1

When Ruby turned one year old, the pediatrician and I saw several signs that led us to believe she probably had autism. We decided to begin the long process of testing. Although I consented the testing, I was not going to accept this as her fate. I would fight back!

I contacted Jennifer Tow again and we began the GAPS diet. Although Ruby was over a year at this point, she had not even reached all of her six month landmarks. Within a few short months, she was meeting all her landmarks.

Although she was meeting landmarks and we saw enormous progress, somethings still didn’t seem right. She never really began to talk. We started her in speech therapy around the time of her second birthday. The Speech Pathologist (who is wonderful) gave us exercises to stimulate and “awaken” the muscles in her her mouth. BOOM! Speech!

She could say words!

Just words.

It was pulling teeth to even get her to put two words together. Ridiculous!

Other things still weren’t right!

Despite being potty trained since May, she still has several accidents. It seems like she can’t help it. I don’t understand. My husband doesn’t understand. It’ confusing! Why is she struggling with this? She knows how to use the potty.

She falls. Constantly! Aways busting her lip, scrapping her knee, running into something. It’s ridiculous. She runs funny.

Despite working with her on it, she can’t consistently recall colors, numbers, or animals. She’ll know it one day and then the next she’s completely lost.

She looks at me funny sometimes. Kinda stone faced. We can get her to laugh. Her giggle is contagious and sweet. She’s beautiful when she smiles. But portions of her face often seem…. different…..

She can’t hold her attention long enough to watch a cartoon, no matter how short. I can’t read books to her. She is unaware of her surroundings. Completely unaware.

She has no sense of danger. Urgency in voices do not affect her. Oblivious.

I have often feared for her. I fear that she would be taken advantage of, abused, molested. No one would ever know because she doesn’t communicate or even seem to know something is wrong and needs to be communicated. It’s easy to be ugly to her and not apologize because she doesn’t even seem to hardly notice. She doesn’t show signs of hurt feelings, disappointment, or rejection.

I often lay hands on her during prayer. I am willing to admit there’s something wrong and to see treatment for it. But I refuse to accept that she will be this way her whole life. I will not accept that she will not know normal friendships and relationships. I will keep seeking and praying for answers. I often pray in the Spirit for her.  I don’t know what needs to happen, but God does!

“Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit itself maketh intercessions for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” Romans 8:26

I don’t even know where to start looking. I keep my eye out for articles, posts, ideas from other people. But I don’t know where to go. So I pray that God brings the answer to me.

And that he did…

Why I Won’t Take My Kids to the Doctor


This is why I won’t take my kids to a doctor anymore.

Why Ruby was 6 months old, she was very sick and very underweight. I tried everything, except putting her on commercial formula. Why? I don’t know! Something in my mommy-gut screamed no! The very thought of it made me cry and want to throw up!

She was exclusively breastfed because she refused a bottle. She was still tongue-tied and therefore couldn’t handle the flow of the bottle. It would pour out the sides of her mouth. She would refuse it. Kick, scream, not latch on. Refused it and fought it as hard as she could. When she would tire of fighting and latch on, she would choke and gag. Oftentimes end of puking up what little she was able to successfully swallow.

The IBCLC sent us down to the Beckman Clinic. There we were given exercises to strengthen her suck so she could nurse better. She did not even examine her for tongue-tie or misaligned jaw. The misaligned jaw ended up being the problem, as it would cause tremendous TMJ pain. This was never looked into as a possible source. Ridiculous. She saw a pediatrician, an IBCLC, and 3 different Chiropractors. No one even checked.

She gave me a special bottle and gave me instructions for laying her on her side to drink out of hte bottle, instead of the traditional “point their nose at the ceiling, lay them on their back, and put the bottle up in the air so it drains into their mouths and drowns them” approach. Ruby accepted the bottle.

And then refused the breast. Completely.

So I was pumping… but couldn’t pump enough. (Surprise, surprise)

My friend was giving her baby organic raw goats milk to supplement when she was away from him at work (she similarly didn’t pump well). I talked to my pediatrician and IBCLC about this. Both resisted me strongly. The IBCLC went as far as to imply that if I gave that to her instead of the recommendation of the pediatrician (which was formula), that CPS might get a call from someone. She never explicitly stated that she or the pediatrician would call, but the threat was very clear.

***Interesting fact here. I was tongue-tied and had a misaligned jaw as a baby. I couldn’t nurse and refused formula. When I did accept it, it made me extremely sick. My pediatrican told my mom to give me whole cows milk. She did. I drank it and didn’t get sick. I’m here today. Alive. Pretty healthy. I graduated in the top 10% of my high school class, was in Beta club, and National Honor Society. Doing pretty good, I think. I was two months old when this happened.  Ruby is currently 6 months old. ***

Most pediatricains don’t have a problem with starting a baby on milk at 6 months old anyway. She wasn’t even going to be having that exclusively. She was only taking about 10 ounces a day. The rest was pumped breastmilk and being solids. What was the big deal?!?!

I’ll tell you what hte big deal was!




They want to control us. If we do something they don’t want or like, then they manipulate us. Lie to us. Give us false information. Scare us. When we are smart enough to see through it all and DO OUR OWN RESEARCH they call CPS. They know they can do this becasue CPS explicitly states that they rely heavily on the opinions of health care professionsals. They do this without consulting other doctor’s opinions. They do this without even actually investigating what is going on or hearing the parent’s side of the story. They do it just because they can.

Before I gave Ruby goat milk, I did actually cave to their stupid reasoning and scare tactics. I bought the god-forsake can of powered poison and gave it to my baby. Not because I believed that it was best. But because I knew that I would care more for her to search for answers that a CPS worker or fosher care parent would.

Guess what happened when I gave it to her? She broke out in eczema all over body. She would scream for hours and hours without stopping. When she would finally stop screaming, she would lay away, motionless and unresponsive even though her eyes were open. Within three days this very intelligent but sick baby started refusing the formula. If I gave her breast milk, she would chug it down. One taste of formula and she would kick and scream and gag and wail.

I called the pediatrician back and described what was going on. I brought back up the possibility of goat milk instead of formula. I was told no again and that if I didn’t figure out a way to get the formula in here that they would order her to be admitted into the hospital with it in a feeding tube.

I said I would figure it out.

And then I prayed and prayed and prayed.

Then God brought Jennifer Tow into our lives. She gave me further eductation about gut healing and tongue-tie. We put her on goat milk! She gave me a recipe to increase the amount of nutrition. Within 6 weeks, Ruby gained 5 pounds.

We later discovered that Ruby is allergic to corn. Guess what is in every single formula on the market. Corn. GMO corn, specifically.

Turns out my pediatrican is aware of and has refered other moms to donated breast milk. Why didn’t she do that for us? I don’t know. All I know is that she wanted things done a certain way, and was willing to make sure she had her power trip by controlling a scared young mother.

My pediatrican has done very little to help us with ailments andproblems. Basic problems are easily solved by me seeking information from holistic moms groups online. They are more experieenced and knowledgeable than my pediatrician. When it comes to complicated difficult issues like my daughters severe gut damage and being developmentally behind, little was actually done to heal. Again, doing my own research and turning to people who actually have a passion in healing, like Jennifer Tow, is the only thing that has ever brought us any results.

There is no reason for me to take my children to doctors. They offer me no real help. I espeically refuse to take them now that more and more of these stories have come out. Because apparantly they think they are gods and have the right to control us.

Enough is enough already. I’m sick of the lies and manipulation.

What lies? Oh, common ones they tell to bully you into things you aren’t comfortable with.

I was admitted into the hospital last December. I didn’t agree with the reommendation of surgery. I asked to leave. They said they would only let me leave if a doctor discharged me. I said I didn’t care what the doctor said, I was going home. They then said that if I left the hospital against medical advise that my insurance wouldn’t pay. Really? My husband just so happens to work for the insurance company!

Check this out!

If you’re a physician telling patients that insurers won’t pay if they don’t follow doctors’ orders, a study says you should stop — because it’s not true.

An article in the July Journal of General Internal Medicine reported an analysis of data on 526 patients leaving against medical advice from University of Chicago hospitals from 2001 to 2010. Of the group, insurers denied 18 payment for hospital care, but this was primarily due to administrative errors such as misspelled names. Not a single claim was turned down for insurance payment because the patient self-discharged.

This is from American Medical News. Here’s the link if you want to read the entire article. I love how they go on to say:

People who investigated the issue suspect the myth emerged out of a desire to persuade patients to do what physicians believed was best. Eighty-five percent of residents and 67% of attendings said they told patients this information “so they will reconsider staying in the hospital.”

Imagine that…. Doctors lying to people to scare them into doing something that THEY WILL GET PAID FOR even though the patient is uncomfortable with it.

If you really want to get mad about doctors doing this, read this about what male GYNs are doing to females during ;evlic and breast exams. Read down into the comments about how they manipulate attractive women and young girls into doing procedures that are not necessary.

Nope! No more doctors for my kids. At least I know that I have the right to refuse treatment for myself. Unfortunately, I don’t have the freedom to choose for my kids anymore.

God Knows Just What We Need


How fitting that this would be the theme of Ladies Conference the same day that I mustered the ccourage tto finally blog my struggles…

God knows!

God knows!

Gonna tweet enncouraging words preached while Im hear. Follow my twitter @samkg223.

Update: The devotion for today was spot on too!

“As with any season of life, we have to make a choice…”


The True Source of my Sickness: Part 2

Click here to read Part 1

I went through a lot with Ruby. More than most people realize. Unless they have ever had a really sick kid. Moreover, my church was going through a lot at the time. My pastor, now our senior pastor, fell off a high ladder and shattered his leg bones shortly before Ruby was born. He spent multiple weeks in the hospital and had to have several major surgeries. To make matters worse, it happened while he was on vacation several states away. He couldn’t come home until after he was released from the hospital.

With the Shepard gone, the sheep normally get restless. Because this all happened while Ruby was sick, I was very alone during this time. Many people could point their fingers at my church and blame them for not supporting and helping more than they did. But realistically, they couldn’t. It was a perfect storm of events. What a storm it was!

But we got through it. A year of struggling and fighting paid off. Although many didn’t understand what we were doing and why we were doing it, Ruby finally got a breakthrough and onto the road of recovery. For a while there, I am pretty sure many thought I was nuts for our lifestyle changes and resisting giving Ruby formula against the Doctor’s orders. I had several well-meaning ladies speak to me on a number of occasions about giving up nursing and giving Ruby formula. Some of them were very adamant about it.

Now you hippy people out there don’t get upset and riotous over this. They saw how desperate the situation was. They also saw first hand the impact this was having on me and my family. They were stepping up and trying to help the only way they knew how. Unfortunately, it pushed me into further isolation and emotionally disconnection when I needed emotional support the most.

Many things happened that I will not get into here. Many things I have only been brave enough to tell a few people about. Things were very dark. Life was hopeless. And I was alone to suffer it all.

In May of 2012, I went to a Young Living class and was given a bottle of Peace & Calming oil. That was the first big emotional breakthrough and healing that I experienced. I thought I was pretty good. But pregnancy does things to you…

Dr Gayle Peterson says it this way in her opening chapter of her book, “An Easier Childbirth: A Mother’s Guide for Birthing Normally:”

Pregnancy is an emotional period. You are pregnant not only with new life, but also with feelings, expectations, and desires…. Hormonal changes help ready you for motherhood by making you more emotionally sensitive. your emotional vulnerability is your ally in bringing your feelings to the surface.

If you pay attention to the feelings generated during pregnancy and seek to understand and express your own needs throughout this transformative process, you will find yourself engages in self-discovery. This is the emotional work of pregnancy. Your pregnancy provides you with new feelings and ideas about your future. It also bring up… memories. Exploring these feelings and memories readies you to great your baby at birth. The emotional work of pregnancy nurtures the evolving new mother within you.

And that’s exactly what happened to me. Shortly after I realized I was pregnant and the hormones started their work, I began to have memories come back. Memories of when Ruby was a baby. Memories of events that I had forgotten happened. Painful ones.

The horrible part of memories that come back, is that you don’t just relive the memory as a sequence of events… you experience the emotions and feelings you had in that very moment.

Yes, I was reliving in vivid, excruciating detail the most painful, hopeless,and isolated times of Ruby’s infancy. Events I will write about in my private journal, but you will never know about them. Events that make me cry right now as I type out this post.

These things make you  angry. They make you resentful. They even make you bitter. They cause you to not trust those around you and look disdainfully at other people’s attempts to help you.

It’s these things that drive people to hardness. Isolation. Inability to be open or close to anyone.

And it is very easy to let them eat you alive from the inside out and die. Not physically (at least not right away), but the  person you were born to be, the personable part of you that makes you a person… the hope, love, and belief in others and the desire to have them in your life… You become critical of everything. If someone sees the bad, you point out the good (because you see the bad in them and therefore they are flawed and couldn’t possibly see things the proper way). Someone points out the good and you only see the bad. You see the bad not necessarily because you are ubber pessimistic… but because you have experienced something so bad and excruciating that you are more aware of the existence of the bad.

It’s kinda like a tongue-tie…. if you have never experienced it, you won’t recognize it. Even trained professionals won’t be as sensitive to picking up on it and understand the deep need to revise it as much as a mother who has had to fight and research and explore for themselves. Their experience of tongue-tie and its affects are so deep that they are  able to recognize another tongue-tie baby very easily.

While stuck in this dark place, where the person you really are is being eaten alive, it isn’t uncommon that you get sick. The body works in harmony and wellness is a state that must be shared by the body, mind, and spirit for a person to be healthy.

I tried using oils to relieve the morning sickness. I put on peppermint to fight fatigue. But all I really wanted to do was lay in bed and alternate between sleeping and crying. This happened anyway because I stopped using my oils. The smell was so strong and overwhelming that looking at the bottle would cause me to gag.

I believe now that this is because I needed to work through my emotions and receive healing instead of trying to ignore and cover them up with something else.

My husband is the number one reason I got through all of this. Instead of giving me a hard time about laying in bed, he worked tirelessly to take care of the kids and clean the house. He listened to me. We had several heated conversations because I don’t think he really understood why I was so critical and negative (because that isn’t in my nature). But I wasn’t expressing much of this too him so how could he have understood?

Another huge breakthrough came from my church family. After getting out of the hospital I had several people call me and visit me. Many brought meals and offered encouraging words. It was very unexpected. It was very healing. Although many weren’t aware of my re-dedication to being gluten-free, the fact that they sacrificed to make and bring meals was a huge blessing! That’s when I really realized that I have a great church family. We were all just going through a lot and were “scattered” during the period that Ruby was sick.

When you are hurting you want to blame someone or something. But life happens. Things happen and it’s not anyone’s fault. You have to accept that. God orchastrates our lives for a reason. I grew tremendously during that time of suffering. I have a deep understanding and appreciation for things I never did before. I also learned and purged many flaws out of my own character as a result. If I want to place blame, it belongs to God.

Loving fathers don’t shield you from everything just so you can be fat, content, and purposeless in life. Good fathers are willing to make you uncomfortable to grow you into the person you are meant to be and to be the best you can be. This is what God does. And he uses life and well meaning people who don’t understand everything (how can they? Do you? If you think you do, you are fooling yourself and probably causing much damage to the people who want to be close to you.)

Allowing myself to receive support is what brought the healing. Dr Gayle Peterson explains why in her book. This exert is taken from chapter four:

The dominate cultural message… has been that women are weak and need men to take care of them… The women’s movement has fought this cultural message of weakness and inferiority… by proclaiming women’s strength and equality…Childbirth require women to develop their feminine power, a strength that is akin to the nature of water: yielding but relentless. 

Labor requires women to depend on others…Dependency makes us vulnerable, however, so it is often confused with weakness. In the early phase of the women’s movement, dependency was feared and sometimes scorned. Yet in labor a woman needs support. This is not weakness; it is part of being human.

Pregnancy and labor are periods of vulnerability. This vulnerability is not weakness but soften, which later contributes to adjustment to motherhood. Feeling dependent may open you to your need for help, and the ability to accept help from others can increase your strength and endurance.”

By accepting support, love, and help… choosing to receive while overlooking any bad or questioning anything about it, was hard. It was a mind over matter. But I have healed much and continue to heal. I can also recognize a deeper and more profound softness about myself than previously. These negative experiences and the positive personal growth caused by allowing vulnerability has indeed made me stronger. I am ready to prepare myself and accept this new chapter of my life:

A mother of three.

The True Source of my Sickness: Part 1

During the first several months of this pregnancy I was very sick. I had morning sickness (which actually should be called “pregnancy induced nausea” or something. It is no respecter of time. It was more of an “all day every day sickness”). Because of this and other issues I will get into in a minute, I ate horribly. If I ate something, it was processed and most likely full of gluten. Or sugar. Or gluten and sugar. Great idea, right?!

At 8 weeks, I woke up with severe pain in my lower right abdomen. We went to the ER to make sure it wasn’t anything serious. (It was bad pain. Like, rolling around on the floor, crying, I think I’m gonna die pain). Just before we left, the pain slowly started to ease off. To be safe we left for the ER even though I was feeling better. We found out that it was actually an inflamed appendix.

I was admitted into the hospital (but only because the nurse lied to me). My white blood cell count was very high. The next morning, an MRI confirmed that it was my appendix. But the good news is that it was only slightly inflamed and at no risk of immediate rupture. By this point, I hadn’t felt any pain in over 6 hours. Long story short, I left against medical advise and didn’t have the surgery.

While I was waiting, I started doing some soul searching and researching.

Since I have started learning about Young Living Essential Oils, I have also learned that many diseases and sicknesses are linked to unresolved emotional problems.Out of curiosity, I looked up what the underlying emotional problems are for appendicitis. “Fear of Life.”

If you read my post several months of ago about “What Scares You,” this would be very fitting, being that I admitted in that post that I was terrified of having another baby. The ironic thing, is that I was already pregnant when I wrote that post, but didn’t know it.

This part is difficult to articulate. when dealing with emotional junk, I often go into stream of conscious writing, where I jump back and forth and all over the place as I analysis myself.

Gluten is an inflammatory. A major inflammatory. Moreover, I am sensitive to it. I very strongly believe that is what inflamed my appendix. But why was I eating it? I know better! I want better! What’s the deal?!?

Food is a social thing as well as our source for nourishment. As much as you try to avoid it, if you eat differently than people, they act funny about it. Even if they don’t mean to, they do. Our society comes together over food. Anytime you’re socializing food is involved. Someone comes over to your house, it is rude to not at least offer them something to drink. Want to hang out with friends? Let’s have dinner. Eating meals together brings you closer together. The best conversations in families usually happen at the dinner table. We all are sharing the same food, the same nourishment, and the same life force. It’s just how things are.

Well, outside of online friends and Facebook support groups, no one really eats the same way I do. This was especially true when I was on GAPS. People act funny when you say you can’t have something… especially when they are making it for you. After I came home from visiting family in Wisconsin last summer, I stopped eating GAPS. It was so emotionally exhausting eating differently than everyone else there. When I came home, I faced the same dilemma because my husband doesn’t share the same views and concerns regarding nutrition. Ruby was very sick and went into the hospital. We were extremely busy running a fireworks tent and I wasn’t ever home long enough to cook meals for us to take with us. So we ate out. There goes GAPS, gluten-free, and all. During that period, it was so refreshing to share meals and emotional connections with those I love, friends, acquaintances, church family, and people other than my one-year-old.

I started having bad back pain again. So I came off the gluten but resumed everything else. Back pain was gone. But now I was back to feeling isolated. Even more than before because the taste of unrestrained fellowship was still fresh in my mouth.

I toughed through it all anyway, simply because I can’t live my life in constant pain.

But then the test came back positive…


Why It’s Important to Clip Tongue-Tie

I recently came across this video on Facebook. It’s a testimony of a middle-aged lady who had her tongue-tie released. Her testimony about the difference it made is unbelievable! It’s sad that so many doctors and medical professionals believe that clipping tongue-ties are unneccessary and so many people, children, and babies suffer. Many of them are in pain and struggle with simple tasks such as swallowing. But as they grow into childhood and adulthood they never speak of their struggles. Why? Because it’s all they have ever known.

Please take the time to watch this short video. Then imagine a baby trying to eat from a bottle or breastfeed.