Tears

Since Adeline’s birth there have been many tears. 

My tears. Tears from my husband. 

Tears of joy. Tears of gratitude. Tears of fear. Tears of the relieving of fear. 

Tears of sorrow for what was lost and never had with Ruby. Tears of reclaiming. 

Tears of regret. Tears of letting go of regret. Tears of closing a chapter. Tears of opening a new. 

Tears of memories. Painful ones. Tears at memories-creating new ones

Tears washing our souls. Cleansing our spirits. Purifying our hearts. Tears of growth and maturity. The germination of a new experience. 

Tears of lost dreams, what could have beens, what should have beens. Its not fair.  I can never get that back. I can never have Ruby as a baby again. Tears of “I dont want that back. It was too hard. I never want to experience that again.” Tears with being okay with that. 

Ruby had her journey. She had experiences. She was my teacher. I learned how to hurt that deeply. I learned how to love that deeply. I learned to put on my big girl britches and deal with it. 

I learned about life. Struggle. Depression. Judgement.  Condemnation- from others and myself. I learned grace, mercy, forgiveness, and restoration. I learned perspective. Empathy. Sacrifice. 

I learned that everyone is fighting a battle no one knows about. There’s usually a deeper level people are acting on when they behave untowardly. Dig deeper. Whats really going on in their lives? In their minds? In their hearts? Why are they really crying?

Today I cry tears. Tears of newness. Gratitude. Support. I cry because it hurts to nurse. I cry because I am getting help. I cry because God has put previous people in my life that are helping me. 

I cry because I am a woman. I am a mother. I am a human. 

And when I cry…

…I cry tears. 

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