Re-Living the Past and Reclaiming the Future

I am now 23 weeks pregnant.

I’m taking better care of myself with this one! Now that I understand more about tongue-tie, food allergies, and health; I want this baby to be different.

I struggled a lot in my first trimeter. And by a lot, I mean…. well….

Apparantly when things really hit the fan two years ago with Ruby, it was too much for me emotionally. I surpressed memories. During my first trimster, I would wake up having had re-lived the memories that I had forgotten. I was very sick and nothing helped. Looking back, I have to admit to myself, that I didn’t want anything to help. I was hurting so badly emotionally from processing all the painful memories that I was re-living that I guess it made me sick physically. And I didn’t want to get better for a long time.

I ate whatever. Gluten. Lots of gluten. And sugar. No vegetables. That would actually be good for me. Why would I want that while pregnant? Really?

It got so bad that at 8 weeks my mom had to take me to the hospital in the middle of the night because my appendix was inflammed. They tried to remove it surgically, but I refused the procedure and left the hospital against medical advise. The MRI showed that it was only slightly inflamed. By the time I was admitted, my body was effectively healing itself and the pain had stopped completely. I felt the risk of loosing the baby from surgery in the first trimester was too great to take out an appendix that I wanted to keep that was only slightly inflammed, healing itself, and was not at any immediate risk of rupture.

One of my life goals is to not have to ever under go any major surgery. I would like to die with all my body parts intact. Laying on the table while having an IV needle shoved in my arm, I thought to myself, “This is it, you idoit! You did this to yourself. And now you have ruined one of your life goals. Guess the pity party wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.” Then I shook myself and decided to change courses.

The pain was already gone to a slight dull. It went away too slowly to have been released by rupture. That meant I was healing. Time to get serious!

I rededicated to being Gluten Free. Chiropractic appointments every week. And I make sure I am taking suppliments. I still have work to do on my diet. But it’s about progress, not perfection!

I really want to nurse this new baby! I am making preparations incase I run into problems or another god-forsaken tongue-tie. Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst! I also want to unwean Ruby.

Yes, I know I’m crazy! But Loretta unweaned just before turning 3 and nursed another 9 months. It has done wonders for her immune system! She got sick on occasion previously. But now she has only gotten sick twice in 14 months! Both of those were minor and short lived. Ruby is always sick.

Even if I can’t get Ruby to actually nurse, I do plan to pump the extra milk out and give it to her.

Unweaning Ruby may not be as difficult as it was trying to get her back to the breast during that first year. After Loretta weaned and my milk dried up, Ruby randomly decided to get interested. For a while she was constantly pulling my shirt up and trying to latch on. Seriously? Great timing, kid! She doesn’t do this often now, but she does show interest. I’m hoping that interest will only increase once she sees the new baby nurse.

I am not putting any pressure or stress on either of us. I learned my lesson from that! If it happens, great! If she can only effectively nurse using an SNS, great! If she’s totally uninterested, she’ll drink my milk from a cup. Great!

Either way, I choose to be optimistic about the future!


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