Letting Go and Still Standing

I’ve made a lot of progress so far this month. I decided at the beginning of January to take things slowly and focus on healing. Part of my plan was to “give up” on nursing for  month to see how it felt. That way I could deal with some things without it feeling so final. I’ve been letting it go in small steps.

I slowly transitioned Ruby back to the bottle full-time. I haven’t finger fed her in almost a week now. That’s actually a big one for me. Tonight, I took another big step…..

…. I took the nursing cover out of my room and put it away.

I know that sounds like nothing, but it is very big step for me. I put the nursing cover back in the diaper bag while packing to go to Youth Congress back in August. It was done as a leap of faith. I was thinking, “In faith, I know I will need this.” Unfortunately, I never did. Taking it out of the bag always seemed like a step backwards in my faith. But now I see it as a step forward.

It’s not that I don’t believe that God could come through for me with the nursing thing. I know he is able! But I don’t know that he will. Let me explain using a song we sang in church Sunday night….

The second verse says:

“To you I lift my offering
And set my heart on higher things
For if it had not been for you
Standing on my side where would I be?”

My offering to God is nursing. I am offering it to Him so that I can set my heart on higher things. Things like my Sunday School class, the college campus ministry, and the youth group. I’m laying down my wants, dreams, and desires for God’s kingdom. I have chosen to “Seek first the Kingdom of God.” If he chooses to “add the rest of these things” to me, then awesome. If not, awesome. What’s most important to me now is that His kingdom is taken care of and that Ruby is taken care of. (Matthew 6: 33)

My husband wants me to begin to wean off of domperidone starting next month. Next month, February, is almost here. I know that my supply will suffer greatly while coming off the medicine. Mainly because I don’t pump every 2-3 hours. It’s just not practical to do it when you have two toddlers running around the house. I currently pump only twice a day. I’m thinking of going down to only once a day. So unless something makes a quick turn around here (Ruby begins nursing and does so effectively or Loretta figures out how to transfer milk) then my days of lactating are numbered. I’m praying that God gives me peace about this. I’m taking it one day at a time, reminding myself that there are more important things to focus on.

Whether or not I get my way is insignificant. I just want God to have his will in me and my family. Whatever he wants to do is fine with me. Just as long as he gets the glory.



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