Not Ready for Ruby to Grow Up

Elliane, the occupational therapist, is right. Ruby is craving more stimulus. At almost seven months old, it is good and healthy for her to become more curious and aware of the world surrounding her. She is growing up. And I’m not ready for it.

Much of Ruby’s “babyhood” was consumed with fear, uncertainity, and frustration. I really haven’t enjoyed much of it. I know that sounds horrible, judge me if you want, but you try having all these problems with no answers and you’ll be wishing for it to pass too. The past seven months have been very hard on our family and on me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I don’t even remember most of it.

I take comfort and hope in the new answers and help we have found. The storm seems to be easing up. But now it’s time for Ruby to grow up and I’m having a hard time accepting it.

I feel like the first precious months of babyhood have been robbed from us. In my foolish mind I thought we were going to get past all of this and finally enjoy our baby. But our baby isn’t really a little baby anymore. She may be small in size, but her mind is that of a seven month old.

I know the best thing to do is cope with it as best as I can and move on. I need to let her grow up; I don’t need to attempt to hold her back for my selfish feelings and wants.

One thing I have painfully learned in all of this is to cherish the time I have with the ones I love, no matter how difficult the circumstances may be. Life will give us problems no matter what stage of life we are in. If we are constantly wishing for the next stage in an attempt to escape the present turmoil, we will end this life having done nothing but wished it all away.

I regret not having found more joy and contentment in the little girl’s babyhood. I regret not having found more joy in this stage of Loretta’s life also. In the current stage of my marriage. No matter how bad things may be, we need to find a way to take joy in our families and enjoy the stage of life we are in. My discontendedness of the past has left me with nothing but regret in the present.

Enough already!

I will choose to enjoy this stage of Ruby’s childhood while it lasts. I will allow her grow up and I will enjoy it, even if I’m not ready.


One response

  1. Have been following your blog for a couple of weeks- and praying. 🙂 Your baby looks so like my niece who was a premmie. At 6 months old she is nearly 12 lbs and we are thrilled about that! We do find ourselves doing the same as you- treating her like a newborn when really she is ready to start sitting, grasping things, and getting the stimulation that my 8 month old daughter got at that age.

    Good for you mama, for not giving up, for questioning everything and continuing to look for solution for your baby! I understand the feeling of being robbed of that time! PPD took a few of my first months. You are going to be able to share an incredible story with her some day, of the way God took care of her and you!

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