The hardest part of all of this is the uncertainy. I sit on the front row of an emotional roller coaster. There are times when I feel that it is all hopeless and it will never work out. Then at other times I feel like one day she just might actually nurse again. Everytime I just can’t take it anymore, feel like I’ve exhausted all options, and have no more fight left in me, something happens that keeps me pressing on.
So here’s the real question: Is this child ever going to nurse again or not?
I was in church last night without my older daughter so I was able to really tune into God’s Spirit and focus on communicating with him. During the prayer requests, I knelt in th pew and prayed. I told God that if this wasn’t going to work out that I would be okay. I would still love, trust, and serve him. I would FIND a way to coop with it. But I need a resolution in my own mind of His plan in this situation.
I really felt like He would work it out for me to be able to nurse. But my heart and mind are so awhirl with the situation that I’m unsure of what I am feeling in the Spirit about this situation. So I decided to fleece God.
(The Bible contains the story of a man named Gideon. Gideon wasn’t anyone special, but God called him to lead an arm against the Philistines. Gideon was unsure of himself, so he told God, “If you really want me to lead this army, let the ground be dry in the morning, but the fleece that I am laying out be wet.” It happened. But he still doubted. So the next night he said “let the ground be wet, but make the fleece dry.” And it was so. Therefore,Gideon knew that God wanted him to lead the army. When you ask God for a specific sign to confirm his word to you, it is commonly called “fleecing God.”)
I am not a “fleecer.” I dont like to do it. But I am so clouded in my mind, I need somethihng very clear. So I prayed that if God’s plan will allow me to nurse Ruby Sue, that someone would pray over me for God to give me the desire of my heart.
The preaching that night was about the scripture which states, “If two or more agree on anything, touching heaven, it shall be on Earth.” How appropriate, I thought. Then came the altar call. I went up there as usual, not wanting to draw any attention to myself. I really didn’t even feel anything while I was praying. I prayed for quite a while. Then a dear, elder minister laid his hands on me (which really doesn’t happen to me very often). And you guessed it. He prayed for God to give me the desire of my heart.
I think we still have a good bit of work to do to get Ruby back to the breast. But I have something tangable to hold onto now. I have a promise. No doubt there will still be some dark, frustrating times ahead still. But I can have peace about it. God made me a promise last night and I know I can trust him.