There is one thing I want more than anything else
to nurse Ruby Sue, even just one ounce
Why, oh why, did it have to be this way?
I have always dreaded this day-
The day I give up
I’m at the end of the rope
“tie a knot and hold on” they say
But there is no hope
I could list the many “advantages” and conveniences
of being a formula mom
It’s quicker, it’s easier
I could even leave her at home
At the restaurant I will no need cover
Dressing to nurse, there’s no need to bother
Someone else can get up during the night
There’s no more struggle, there’s no more fight
Convenience, ease, SLEEP, and hobbies
A real vacation and even massages
Church services without interruption
Teaching Sunday School is no longer a problem
But all this and more
Would I gladly give
Just for one more suckle
Just for one more nursing grin
What on Earth can I say or do
There’ no more nursing
My Sweet Ruby Sue
I wrote this poem about two weeks ago. I didn’t post it at the time because I was still holding out hope that it would work out. I’m still holding out hope. But I am grieving the loss of our breast feeding relationship.
I can occasionally get her to nurse when I use the supplementer and coax her onto the breast using sugar water. But she’s extremely tense the entire time. She doesn’t want to nurse. So even though I get the privilege of nursing her every now and then, our breast feeding relationship is severely damaged. And boy, oh boy, does that hurt.
I used to have a very hard time sitting the nursery so much at church while nursing her. I would grumble because I was constantly missing worship, prayer, and sermons. Oh, I wish I could go back a have a different attitude about it. I would savor every moment of nursing her and not see it as a drudgery. My heart is full of regrets for wrong attitudes and ungratefulness. How I wish I had acted differently and felt differently. I miss nursing her so badly. I let someone bottle feed her Wednesday during church while I went to the nursery to pump. When I walked in, my eye caught the extra nursing pillow I bought to keep at the church. Then the throat lump reappeared.
*Sigh* I should make the most out of the future moments I have with her and Loretta. I can find other ways to bond. That’s the most important thing, after all.