This might turn out to be another long post. But there is much to say.
After talking to a friend and also to my husband, I have decided that this is my last shot at nursing Ruby Sue. I can’t continue to put myself, Ruby, and my family through this. It’s time to move on one way or another. Either she goes back to the breast or we settle the issue and move on.
I talked to Kristen Gartner (my LC) again today. We are meeting Wednesday night. So these are all the things we are doing to prepare for that meeting:
- “Babymoon” – this is a term that Kristen uses. Lots of skin to skin time. LOTSSSS of skin to skin time. In order for this to be successful, I have to find a babysitter for Loretta.
- Hops Tea – I was taking this, but apparantly not enough of it. I was drinking one cup a day. Just sipping on it throughout the day. I need to drink an entire cup, about 45 minutes before I pump. It is nasty, nasty stuff. Like drinking cough syrup (and not the homeopathic ones either). But anything for Ruby Sue.
- SNS – Kristen has the supplies already to make one. Which is awesome because the shipping charges on the website are ridiculous.
So that’s the plan….
I have lots of mixed feelings about this whole thing. Part of me is holding onto faith that it will work out. Part of me says it’s done and I’m jsut getting my hopes up for nothing.
We didn’t find Ruby’s tongue tie until it was too late to clip in the office. Dr. Wohl (ENT Doctor) wasn’t comfortable putting her under general anesthesia for something that wasn’t “medically necessary.” Well, it turns out that she ended up needing a hernia repair anyway. So Dr. Wohl and the hernia repair doctor reorganized their schedules to do both at the same time. I was advised to wait to talk to Dr Wohl about her tongue tie until after the hernia repair. But after an awesome church service and pouring my heart out to the Lord about this, I felt on overwhelming need to go ahead and see Dr. Wohl. If I had waited like I was advised to, it would have been too late. So, I know there are skeptics out there. That’s fine. But I believe it was God who answered my prayers by leading me to make the appointment with Dr. Wohl early.
So why would God work that out miraculous so that I still won’t be able to nurse her? I don’t know. I want to believe that He isn’t through yet. That He will do another work so that I can have a complete miracle. But the Bible also says that He allows the rain to fall on the Just and the unjust. Just because I’m a follower and child of Christ doesn’t mean I get a get-out-of-jail-free card anytime something doesn’t go my way. Sometimes life just happens and we have to just keep moving forward. Both these ideas are at war in me right now. I can strongly identify with the artist who wrote the song “When Fear and Faith Collide.”
I’m trying to prepare myself for it to not work out so that I don’t have a total emotional breakdown. But I also don’t think it would be healthy to have a defeatist mindset either. It’s hard sometimes to find the balance between the two.
Michael, my husband, didn’t seem to help last night either. I told him that I feel like I did so many things wrong (see previous post) that I don’t deserve to have this work out for me. But he said that God is merciful and kind. He extends grace when we don’t deserve it. He used the example of our finances. We’ve made bad financial decisions (like everyone else in the world has). But God would still provide for our needs even though we should have been made to suffer the consequences. He said that God can do something great here too. And he’s right! That was spoken with God-given wisdom. But it’s still hard to know how to think about this.
Where I am now:
I really want to pray about this. I want to prepare myself. I want to handle whatever happens with grace. But I don’t know what to pray. I am at the point that I’ve heard others often talk about. I can’t pray for myself. So, if you are the praying type, I ask you to lift me up over the next few days. Pray for me as God leads you to. If you’re not the praying type, I ask you to lift me up however you feel you can. Messages, thoughts, “vibes”, visits, whatever. I hope you don’t think I’m selfish to ask this. I promise I will life up others who find themselves in dire circumstances too. It can become a circle of support and help. Isn’t that what community and life are all about, anyway?
Thank you in advance for your help!