So here’s where we are now:
I had a follow up appointment with Debra Beckman yesterday. Ruby’s oral motor skills have made a lot of improvement. But we still have some progress that needs to be made in order for her to nurse effectively at the breast. She said the number one thing that will help her is to gain weight. The best way to do that is via the bottle. Especially since now she wont take the breast. If I’m lucky she will nurse maybe 5 minutes at most.
Side note: this really ticks me off. She told me that I gave her the bottle while she was laying on her side it would not cause nipple confusion so I shouldn’t worry about it. I gave her the bottle that way and *surprise* she magically won’t nurse now. Then when I talk to her about it she tells me, “oh, well, I’m not surprised. That tends to happen because it takes so much effort to nurse vs the bottle.” So, I like Debra Beckman. I need her expertees… but I feel lied to and betrayed. Because my viewpoint is that if I had kept her at the breast she would have stayed there. Her weight gain would have been more gradual but she would eventually get the strength to nurse properly b/c I’m doing the exercises she gave me. Problem would have been solved. *sigh*. I asked her about the chances of her going back to the breast and she “couldn’t guarantee anything.”
I feel like crying just writing this. But that’s why I’m writing this… as an outlet. I could have just used the Supplemental Nursing System (SNS) if I had known then what I know now.
So I’m offering the breast first. Sometimes she takes it sometimes she doesn’t. I nurse her what I can and then give her the stupid bottle. If I’m able to pump enough BM then I give her that. If not, It’s the “f”-word (Formula for those of you who couldn’t figure that out).
I feel like the hyena from The Lion King who shudders at the mention of “Mufasa” and then asks them to say it again.
So now that you know the situation… I can start writing about how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking about all this. So I was getting ready to leave for ANOTHER doctor appointment and had to pack bottles and some of the f-word. I was measuring out the f-word into the little container things that it’s pre-measured into that you just pop the little lid off the snout and pour it into the bottle (this is why I still consider myself a breast feeding mom….. I don’t even know what the stupid thing is called.) While I was doing this I was thinking “I never would have ever thought I would have EVER had to do this. I’m a breast feeding mom and now I’m a formula feeding mom.” And my heart sank. And the throat lump arose.
Let me tell you something, Similac… I may have to give my baby this god-awful stuff that you think is so great… but I’m STILL a breast feeding mama!!!! I breast feed what I can. I pump what I can. And because I love my baby so much that I’m willing to sacrifice anything for her, I’m giving her the f-word… for now! But I have Cowden blood that flows through my veins and I WILL find a way to nurse Ruby Sue.
If you see me at a restaurant you will probably see me give my baby a bottle. But at church you probably wont. At the mall you probably wont. I plan to find somewhere to try to nurse her first and then give her the bottle. Not because I’m ashamed and don’t want people to see me give a bottle. But because I’m not a formula feeding mom. I’m a breastfeeding mom. And that’s how breastfeeding moms nurse!
I catch myself saying things like “Ruby is nursing the bottle.” I used to correct myself. But I’m not anymore. I will pretend that she is nursing on me even if she is actually eating via bottle.
Because I’m STILL a breastfeeding mama!!!