So right now I’m having a weak moment. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. There are times that I’m determined and encouraged. But right now isn’t one of those times.
I feel like there’s a hole in my heart. I feel consumed by despair. And once again the question comes up: “When is enough, enough?” When is it over and I throw in the towel and just become what many around me wish I would become? When do I stop fighting? When do I stop “kicking against the pricks?” (That’s a Bible reference. They used to put pricks behind the feet of the horses so that if a horse began to kick it would stick its foot. When Jesus appeared to Saul and knocked him off his horse, he told him, “Saul, it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks.” Basically saying no matter how hard Saul rebelled and fought, he would not win and the pricks would eventually be too much to bear and he would give in). Thank you, Bible Quizzing!
When I first became pregnant with Loretta (DD1), I was told by my Bradley instructor, Cecillia Mitchell, that you have to make a commitment to breastfeeding and make that your only option to be successful. And I did. And I still stay by that commitment. I told myself that if I ever had to give formula and bottle feed I would do it only if I have exhausted every resource.
So, I fear that I’m getting close to my last resource.
I was told today to call my lactation consultant again. I’m waiting to hear back from her. I also have a follow up appointment with Beckman in two weeks. After those are exhausted… Correction: IF those are exhausted then I may have to stop kicking against the pricks…unless anyone else has any other ideas. I’m open to them.